The life of Me.

Guys. Thats me. I used to look like that. And my dad’s...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 11:04:46 -0500

Guys. Thats me. I used to look like that. And my dad’s friend just posted this on Facebook so I’m eternally mortified.

If this isn’t motivation to go to the gym tonight, I don’t know what is.

deepwithfuture: secrets0ciety: bradicalmang: A rare parasite...

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 16:31:20 -0500

secrets0ciety:

bradicalmang:

A rare parasite which burrows into host fish before eating and replacing their tongues with itself has been found off the Jersey coast.

LINK

BADASSSSSSS

This is quite possible the most disturbing thing I have heard all week. Just imagine if something crawled in your mouth and ate your tongue and became attached to you. HORRIFYING!

Must have been its ninth life...

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:40:02 -0500

Well I ran over a cat yesterday. And I’m not talking skimmed the tail. I RAN IT OVER, like the whole thing. But it was dark and I didn’t see it coming until it was too late so don’t judge me. And I felt bad. Really bad. But I had to keep driving because I had Zaxby’s in my car, and for all of you who have eaten as Zaxby’s, you know the chicken sandwich isn’t as good once it gets cold.

So I went home and ate. But not before I made my fiance check my tire for “goop.” And while I was digging into my delicious chicken sandwich, I sent my fiance back to the scene of the crime to make sure the poor cat wasn’t still alive and wiggling around in misery. He was not. He was flat as a pancake. I got him good.

I have never been a cat fan, but I love animals and I know that cat was someone’s pet, so I am dealing with serious guilt. But all I can think about is thank God it wasn’t a dog. I would have had to take days off work to cope. As morbid and inhumane as it sounds, cats are expendable, dogs are not. Deal with it.

The email I just received:

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:51:52 -0500

Crew,

Anyone and everyone is welcome to my Apartment tonight around 6 – 6:30pm for some snacks, frozen pizza and video games. Just wanted to get together and have some fun before the crazy holidays with some friends. I have the Wii Sports, Mario Kart, and some others. If you would like to bring some games video or non feel free to do so. I will also have the men’s basketball game on and some card and dice games as well. If you are interested please let me know. I know some of you don’t like video games but the invite is out there if you would still like to come hang out. Let me know if you are considering coming and if you need directions to my place let me know. If you can come great if not we will I will catch ya next time around. Hope everyone is having a great week.

FYI: The guestlist for this invite ranged from 24-36 year olds. My friends are children and I love it.

does anyone else think 'baby it's cold outside' is sort of...date rapeish?

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:32:41 -0500

valeriem:

The older I get the more this song creeps me out.

Couldn’t agree more. The creepy old man just won’t let the poor girl leave. He coaxes her with booze and threatens her with the weather. The whole thing gives me the heebs…but that doesn’t mean I won’t rock out to it all through the holiday season.

"Cheating deserves a beating."

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:10:08 -0500

“Cheating deserves a beating.”

- -My new motto

Pay attention, Wallace. The Woods’ family is a golf family, thus the golf club. We are a baseball family. Think about it.

What boy's names mean.

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:45:01 -0500

What boy's names mean.:

themattsmith:

mercurypdx:

[Full list at link]

James - built like a horse. likes to bite while kissing.

WHO TOLD????

Matt - Likes to drink and is full of shit.

Eerie.

My Fiance: Rich - can’t see his feet as balls are too big.

Don’t tell him, I don’t want him getting a big head too.

(Pun intended)

My cousin just had boy/girl twins. And nothing gives me more...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 16:42:59 -0500

My cousin just had boy/girl twins. And nothing gives me more pleasure than spending my workday browsing through the Ralph Lauren website and buying them Christmas presents.

These are my favorites so far. (Just picture 2 three month old twins laying next to eachother in these outfits.) I can hardly stand it.

8 1/2 months till the wedding...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:48:00 -0500

And I still don’t have:

A dress

Bridesmaid Dress

A 4th groomsman

Flower Girl Dresses

A Florist

A cake design

A color scheme

But I do have a venue and a hubbs. So I guess I’ll be fine. But according to my mom’s checklist that she had printed, bound, and laminated - I am incredibly behind schedule. She is the self-proclaimed “wedding planner” so shouldn’t that be more her problem than mine? If not, then I guess I should add “fire and hire wedding planner” to the list. One more thing to worry about…

My conclusion about the Tiger Woods crash:

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 16:55:16 -0500

His wife found out about the affair. She beat the everliving piss out of him. (Thus the wounds only found on his face). When she knocked him unconscious, she freaked, and put him in the front seat of the escalade. She threw him into reverse and let him roll backwards down the driveway into the neighbors tree. She “couragiously” ran down the hill, with golf club in hand, and acted like she had rescued him. He came to, confused and terrified. She stood over him before witnesses arrived and threatened to take everything from him if he told what really happened. She threated him so he would say it was his fault and she was just trying to save him. Thats why their statement took two days. Thats why when they asked if he was intoxicated she ran inside to grab two bottles of pills to give to the cops. And thats why she refused to leave his side when paramedics treated him. She kept that one evil eye on him the whole time so he knew to keep his mouth shut or he’d be history.

What else explains him backing into a neighbors tree going less than 30mph, and getting knocked unconscious? The airbags did not go off. He had no other injuries on his body, yet had to be rescued by his wife because he could not move.

Think about it. When it all comes out, you will all see how smart I really am.

The Bitch at Thanksgiving

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 11:25:07 -0500

Bitch: "You should be in the best shape of your life at your wedding."
Bitch: "How long do you have?"
Me: "Nine Months."
(She looks me up and down.)
Bitch: "Oh, that should be plenty of time."

Really lady? I mean, for real? You say things like that to people? People you just met?
Please note that this was about ten minutes after she told a 14-year-old girl she had a gut.

I later found out she was a swinger.

Thanksgiving never fails to entertain.

My absolute favorite gay man met my mom and I for drinks last night and proceeded to tell me how...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:53:41 -0500

My absolute favorite gay man met my mom and I for drinks last night and proceeded to tell me how many “straight” guys in the bar he’s had sex with.

I’m talking sexy hot guys that have asked me out on dates. When I would point to a possible candidate, he would simply say “LOVES the dick.” It became a game. And possibly one of my alltime favorites. We have a date next week to play the game at Liberty. I’ll report back on the results.

The game will end when he points to my fiance. Then I will NOT love the game.

10-1

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:20:39 -0500

10-1

10 Thing’s You Want For Christmas:

Money (lots)
Brown Boots
Digital Camera
Jeans Jeans Jeans
Cooking stuff
Cream colored Pea Coat
Money (lots more)
Ikea Bookshelf
White Sox anything
Sweaters

9 Musicians/Bands You Love:

Corey Smith
Pink Floyd
Zac Brown Band
Lil Wayne (embarrassing but true)
Rage Against the Machine
Phish
Kings of Leon
P!nk
Beatles

8 Things You Do Everyday:

Kiss Rich
Eat too much
Text Somebody
Get on Facebook
Play with my doggies
Think about my wedding
Stress about my wedding
Count my blessings

7 Things I Enjoy:

Baseball
Football
Basketball
Food
Wine
Rich
Friends/Family/Dogs (I ran out of spaces)

6 Things That Will ALWAYS Win Your Heart:

A good sense of humor
My dogs
Going out of the way
Baseball cards (my substitute for flowers)
Rich’s laugh
A kiss on the forehead

5 Favorites:

Movie: Devil’s Rejects
Song: Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
Book: Twilight Series (I’m a nerd)
Food: Bread. Any form.
Colour: Black
Season: Thyme. (Just kidding: Fall)

4 Smells You Enjoy:

Rich when he’s sweaty. Its gross and I love it.
Garlic and Onions being sauteed.
Pumpkin Spice
Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue

3 Places You Want To Go:

Costa Rica
Italy
Turks and Caicos

2 Holidays You Love:

Thanksgiving
Christmas

1 Person You Would Marry On The Spot:

Richard Kyle…and I’m gonna in August.

Dear Mom,

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:31:38 -0500

I am very happy that you came to visit me, but did you need to pack a 50lb suitcase full of wedding magazines and planning binders? Also, I love when you take us out to dinner, but must you continue to order me glasses of wine until I become incoherent? Then insist we hit the bar on the way home from dinner and order countless amounts of espresso patron? On a Tuesday. When I have to work in the morning.

Its been awhile since I woke up mid-week, fully clothed, and highly confused about the previous night’s occurances.

Please go easy on me for the next 7 days. I can’t hang like I used to.

Love, Alex

Stupidity

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 09:00:54 -0500

A North Carolina kid was killed when his dumbass friend drunkenly pulled out a muzzle loader and shot him in the face. The kid didn’t know it was loaded. But in my opinion, thats no excuse. He pulled out a gun (a big one), pointed it at his best friends face, and pulled the trigger.

Didn’t his mom tell him to never play with guns? And to especially never point them at people? And to especially not point them at your best friends face and pull the trigger?

Guess not.

deepwithfuture: jfkennedy: I’m always talking about what I want in a woman and half the time I’m...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:42:17 -0500

deepwithfuture:

jfkennedy:

I’m always talking about what I want in a woman and half the time I’m joking …

but when I say a woman who knows her baseball is sexy, I mean that turns me on instantly. I’d date Mel just based off that lol.

And unlike basketball, I wouldn’t mind if my girl asked me questions about baseball.

And I’d buy her a jersey (Cardinals) with her name on the back. Take her to a game. Take her on dates to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the game. Hiss at her when she interrupts me while I’m playing the game.

I’ll probably find that in St. Louis too. We are the best baseball town in America.

this post actually made me vomit a little.

Love this. This is the number one factor in why my fiance wants to marry me. I am obsessed with baseball.

The perks of working for Ralph Lauren's corporate office are SICK.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:26:30 -0500

Details and pictures to follow. I just made a haul that I cannot begin to comprehend just yet. All I have to say is that thank God the sample size happens to be my size.

What do you wear to a Thanksgiving surrounded by fitness nuts? They don’t eat carbs and...

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:31:32 -0500

What do you wear to a Thanksgiving surrounded by fitness nuts? They don’t eat carbs and critique everyone’s bodies. I’m pretty sure its my own personal Thanksgiving hell. I’m used to sitting around in sweats with other people in sweats, eating until we pass out, then waking up and doing it again. I MUST wear an elestic wasteband, but I need to do it in a way that doesn’t scream “I am about to eat my weight in gravy.” These people don’t even make mashed potatoes. And I’m 99% sure they will all go for a run after they eat. This makes me very uncomfortable.

The only upside to this is while they are out running off those calories, I will be microwaving one of those personal mashed potato cups and scarfing it all down then slipping into a turkey coma before they get back.

I’m in charge of the greenbean casserole, so I’m contemplating sneaking a layer of potatoes in there so nobody notices.

Wish me luck.

Now here is a boy with manners.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:54:38 -0500

Now here is a boy with manners.

Thanksgiving (11/26): Hilton Head Conference Champ Game: TBA and probably not likely unless ECU...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:19:10 -0500

Thanksgiving (11/26): Hilton Head

Conference Champ Game: TBA and probably not likely unless ECU chokes

Bowl Game(12/19): Florida

Christmas (12/23-29): Nebraska

New Years (12/31-1/2): Myrtle Beach

Ski Trip (1/16): Asheville

Oh boy. My wallet is in for a beating. Sorry new job, I tend to travel a lot during the holidays.

But don’t worry, once the holidays end…well, I guess thats when baseball season starts, so I will be gone a lot then, too.

But definitely don’t worry after that, I’ll be…oh wait. Then I’m getting married.

Well, thanks for hiring me. I’ll be good and ready to work full time next September. Almost a full year later.