The life of Me.

Wed Dec 2
“ Cheating deserves a beating.

-My new motto

Pay attention, Wallace.  The Woods’ family is a golf family, thus the golf club.  We are a baseball family.  Think about it.
What boy's names mean.

themattsmith:

mercurypdx:

[Full list at link]

James - built like a horse. likes to bite while kissing.

WHO TOLD????

Matt - Likes to drink and is full of shit.

Eerie.

 My Fiance: Rich - can’t see his feet as balls are too big. 

Don’t tell him, I don’t want him getting a big head too.

(Pun intended)

Tue Dec 1

My cousin just had boy/girl twins.  And nothing gives me more pleasure than spending my workday browsing through the Ralph Lauren website and buying them Christmas presents.

These are my favorites so far.  (Just picture 2 three month old twins laying next to eachother in these outfits.)  I can hardly stand it.

8 1/2 months till the wedding...

And I still don’t have:

A dress

Bridesmaid Dress

A 4th groomsman

Flower Girl Dresses

A Florist

A cake design

A color scheme

But I do have a venue and a hubbs.  So I guess I’ll be fine.  But according to my mom’s checklist that she had printed, bound, and laminated - I am incredibly behind schedule.  She is the self-proclaimed “wedding planner” so shouldn’t that be more her problem than mine?  If not, then I guess I should add “fire and hire wedding planner” to the list.  One more thing to worry about…

Mon Nov 30

My conclusion about the Tiger Woods crash:

His wife found out about the affair.  She beat the everliving piss out of him. (Thus the wounds only found on his face).  When she knocked him unconscious, she freaked, and put him in the front seat of the escalade.  She threw him into reverse and let him roll backwards down the driveway into the neighbors tree.  She “couragiously” ran down the hill, with golf club in hand, and acted like she had rescued him.  He came to, confused and terrified.  She stood over him before witnesses arrived and threatened to take everything from him if he told what really happened.  She threated him so he would say it was his fault and she was just trying to save him. Thats why their statement took two days.  Thats why when they asked if he was intoxicated she ran inside to grab two bottles of pills to give to the cops.  And thats why she refused to leave his side when paramedics treated him.  She kept that one evil eye on him the whole time so he knew to keep his mouth shut or he’d be history.

What else explains him backing into a neighbors tree going less than 30mph, and getting knocked unconscious?  The airbags did not go off.  He had no other injuries on his body, yet had to be rescued by his wife because he could not move.

Think about it.  When it all comes out, you will all see how smart I really am.

The Bitch at Thanksgiving

  • Bitch: "You should be in the best shape of your life at your wedding."
  • Bitch: "How long do you have?"
  • Me: "Nine Months."
  • (She looks me up and down.)
  • Bitch: "Oh, that should be plenty of time."
  • Really lady? I mean, for real? You say things like that to people? People you just met?
  • Please note that this was about ten minutes after she told a 14-year-old girl she had a gut.
  • I later found out she was a swinger.
  • Thanksgiving never fails to entertain.
Wed Nov 25

My absolute favorite gay man met my mom and I for drinks last night and proceeded to tell me how many “straight” guys in the bar he’s had sex with.

I’m talking sexy hot guys that have asked me out on dates.  When I would point to a possible candidate, he would simply say “LOVES the dick.”  It became a game.  And possibly one of my alltime favorites.  We have a date next week to play the game at Liberty.  I’ll report back on the results.

The game will end when he points to my fiance.  Then I will NOT love the game.

10-1

10-1

10 Thing’s You Want For Christmas:

  1. Money (lots) 
  2. Brown Boots 
  3. Digital Camera
  4. Jeans Jeans Jeans 
  5. Cooking stuff 
  6. Cream colored Pea Coat 
  7. Money (lots more)
  8. Ikea Bookshelf 
  9. White Sox anything
  10. Sweaters

9 Musicians/Bands You Love:

  1. Corey Smith
  2. Pink Floyd 
  3. Zac Brown Band
  4. Lil Wayne (embarrassing but true)
  5. Rage Against the Machine
  6. Phish 
  7. Kings of Leon 
  8. P!nk
  9. Beatles 

8 Things You Do Everyday:

  1. Kiss Rich 
  2. Eat too much 
  3. Text Somebody
  4. Get on Facebook 
  5. Play with my doggies 
  6. Think about my wedding 
  7. Stress about my wedding
  8. Count my blessings 

7 Things I Enjoy:

  1. Baseball
  2. Football 
  3. Basketball 
  4. Food
  5. Wine 
  6. Rich 
  7. Friends/Family/Dogs (I ran out of spaces)

6 Things That Will ALWAYS Win Your Heart:

  1. A good sense of humor
  2. My dogs 
  3. Going out of the way 
  4. Baseball cards (my substitute for flowers) 
  5. Rich’s laugh 
  6. A kiss on the forehead 

5 Favorites:

  1. Movie: Devil’s Rejects
  2. Song: Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
  3. Book: Twilight Series (I’m a nerd)
  4. Food: Bread.  Any form.
  5. Colour: Black
  6. Season: Thyme.  (Just kidding: Fall) 

4 Smells You Enjoy:

  1. Rich when he’s sweaty.  Its gross and I love it. 
  2. Garlic and Onions being sauteed. 
  3. Pumpkin Spice 
  4. Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue 

3 Places You Want To Go:

  1. Costa Rica 
  2. Italy 
  3. Turks and Caicos

2 Holidays You Love:

  1. Thanksgiving
  2. Christmas

1 Person You Would Marry On The Spot:

  1. Richard Kyle…and I’m gonna in August. 

Dear Mom,

I am very happy that you came to visit me, but did you need to pack a 50lb suitcase full of wedding magazines and planning binders?  Also, I love when you take us out to dinner, but must you continue to order me glasses of wine until I become incoherent?  Then insist we hit the bar on the way home from dinner and order countless amounts of espresso patron?  On a Tuesday.  When I have to work in the morning.

Its been awhile since I woke up mid-week, fully clothed, and highly confused about the previous night’s occurances.

Please go easy on me for the next 7 days.  I can’t hang like I used to.

Love, Alex

Tue Nov 24

Stupidity

A North Carolina kid was killed when his dumbass friend drunkenly pulled out a muzzle loader and shot him in the face.  The kid didn’t know it was loaded.  But in my opinion, thats no excuse.  He pulled out a gun (a big one), pointed it at his best friends face, and pulled the trigger.

Didn’t his mom tell him to never play with guns?  And to especially never point them at people?  And to especially not point them at your best friends face and pull the trigger?

Guess not.